(Love me??) not so secret journal [01 Jan 2004|08:20pm] www.deadjournal.com/~carrot_flowers so now you can really stab me in the front

(2 ♥s | Love me??) all for one, one for all [02 Dec 2003|07:54am] [ mood | annoyed ] Just wanted to say that I'm no longer going to keep a Livejournal. Some people find it amusing to scrutinize my every word and use it against me. So in order to keep out of misdirected troubles...i am discontinuing this beast. hardcore.amanda.//.signing.off.

(1 ♥s | Love me??) sick sad world [30 Nov 2003|05:06am] [ mood | anxious ] "Armistice Day has become Veterans' Day. Armistice Day was sacred. Veterans' Day is not. So I will throw Veterans' Day over my shoulder. Armistice Day I will keep. I don't want to throw away any sacred things. What else is sacred? Oh, Romeo and Juliet, for instance. And all music is." ~ "Breakfast of Champions" By Kurt Vonnegut I don't even know when the last time I updated was...surely, awhile back. Friday is American Tragedy in Oil City. Saturday is Breanne's ballet in Texarkana. And Sunday is mine and Jon-Eric's 5 monther in Marshall. Tonight Liz and I opened a few presents. Two each from my mom and one each from each other. Fun times. We still have more under the (slightly crooked) Christmas tree. NIN is on the radio. MMmmm warm fuzzies. Best song to have sex to ever is...survey says "Closer" by NIN (or...as Liz calls it, "The I want to fuck you like an animal song") Cuteness. I've been practically begging Eric to hang out every night...lol. I have nothing to do tonight. Hint Hint. I have most of my Christmas shopping done. I don't want to spend the night here. I want to take my pillow and go somewhere's else. Oh, and I'm a 4Star cashier now. How cool is that? I'm excited. I get the little burgandy vest AND a raise. I'm going to make Eric a button that says "Four Star Freight Watcher"...cause he's the MASTER freight watcher. .... Finals. Ick. I'll be glad wwheen this is all over. I want my month of freedom...and I want to work more hours, for more money...yes. And I want the new Strokes cd. hardcore.amanda.//.dance.in.your.undies. p.s. I'm taking my pillow and showing up on your doorstep in 54321

(2 ♥s | Love me??) I wish that you were here with me to pass this dull weekend [23 Nov 2003|04:53pm] [ mood | awake ] I'm listening to Christmas music. It reminds me of when Adam and I were eating Italian food in his kitchen...listening to this cd of Christmas tunes...talking. We have such fun times, really we do. I am missing him a lot more lately...maybe it's the weather. Tuesday I am going to Marshall. yay....I'm X-cited. I'm staying untill Thursday morning, when I'll come home, go to work, and when I get off work, mom will be here and putting up my Christmas tree. I'm really anxious to feel Christmas-y. Plus, I miss my mom. And it will be good to see her without other children. Unless she brings Bradley, then it will be cool. Cause Bradley rules. I didn't see much of Eric this weekend. Sad face. Maybe he'll come over for Thanksgiving, like I offered. heeh, he's only 10 years younger than my mom. Giggle. Random Sad Memory: I was at home for Christmas...there was a meteor shower, a major one...and Ryan was going to come watch it with me, but he cancelled. So Jesse said he would come over...and he cancelled. So I pulled my trampoline out to the middle of our pasture and watched it alone,while listening to my Irish Folk song CD and crying. Random Happy Memory: The very first night I ever met Jon-Eric, after the concert, we were at Dominos...and he jokingly put his arm around me...and i fit in so perfectly...that's when I knew I was his. I love that feeling. hardcore.amanda.//.it.takes.all.kinds

(Love me??) i bought a ruler so I could talk with you [22 Nov 2003|04:17am] [ mood | peaceful ] I spent the night alone last night and I'm alive this morning. I had lots of bad dreams, but that could have just been the brownie I ate before bed. I had the most amazing, conscience-clearing conversation (good use of alliteration) with Eric last night. I'm really glad he's old enough (finally, I know---29) to not be an ass about everything (even though he had EVERY right to be an ass about it). I can feel a special connection between us...he's a kindrid spirit...a kind (and gentle) soul...and I can appriciate that. He also let me read some of his stuff...he is VERY talented. Just one more thing I can admire about him. Ivan (and every other guy with a penis) has a crush on Liz. It's cute. He's nice enough, but I dont know. She's REALLY picky. I want to watch a movie tonight, yes. Are you up for it, friend? "When you work it out, I'm worse than you...yeah when you work it out, I wanted to." hardcore.amanda.//.i'm.in.a.TOOL.mood

(Love me??) Make sure that i'm bleeding [21 Nov 2003|12:15am] [ mood | listless ] I'm an emotional wreck and I need to be on medicine. I fucking NEED chemicals inside of me to artificially generate some sort of happiness feeling. Or some sort of numbness. I can't get along with anyone. My paranoia pisses Jon-Eric off. My attitude prevents me and Liz from getting along. My selfish thinking hurts Eric...and Scooter hasn't called so I'm sure I did something wrong. I'm glad Daniel and MiMi aren't mad at me. I am going to get MiMi the ULTIMATE christmas present, promise. I burnt some Bagel Bites this morning, and ate themm anyways...not wanting to waste Manna from Mimi. (note to self: good band name). I had a dream about Adam last night. And he had a big truck. And...it was weird. He licked icing off the corner of my mouth. And my mom gave me a pillow. Oh, where the FUCK is symbolism here? My fortune's faded. Tuesday everything will be fine, for a few days anyways. I will learn to crochet, I just know it. I want to make a million scarves. And put flowers on them. Also, I want it to be cold enough to wear said scarves. I need to start drawing and writing again. I started playing my guitar again two days ago. It helps a little. I want to see Adam when I go home. I want to play countless songs with him and sing and laugh and pitgrill and spillway and black and milds. No sad faces allowed. breathe I am going to be home alone again...maybe I'll find myself here. Or I'll go insane. Amanda, I want you so badly...come back...I dont need this...Let's go. hardcore.amanda.//.whats.the.use.

(2 ♥s | Love me??) take me down six underground [17 Nov 2003|12:21am] [ mood | awake ] Sorry I haven't updated a lot lately...I've been so out of it, really. Wednesday I hung out at Eric and Scooters...that was fun. Spent the night over there and watched pretty much the whole first season of The Family Guy...slept with a box fan blowing on me, and now I have sars, i mean, now I'm just sick. No death. The other night I called Brett and got to talk to him a little, not as much as I wanted to because I was only on break...but it made me happy. He's such a caring person...so great. I want to hang out with him again...and I dont want him to think I'm a complete ditz. Adam called...actually he's called a few times lately. Which is great because I seriously thought he didn't care anymore...but I guess he does...and Tyson died, which makes me make a sad face. Adam, do you want Max?? I'm going to see Jon-Eric a week from tomorrow. Yay. I miss him so much. And, I feel like things are normal again. I was really worried for awhile...but...it feels good now. When he says he loves me, I feel it... Oh man this guy I know from NB is in Germany and he wants to fly me out there, and I'm so tempted to go...because....come on! It's GERMANY....lol But I'm almost positive that he wants more than my company....so I wont go. But Dammn. hardcore.amanda.//.i'm.jon.erics.girl.

(1 ♥s | Love me??) exit music for a film [10 Nov 2003|01:13pm] [ mood | The weather makes me comfy. ] I can't do this alone. Sing us a song, a song to keep us warm, there's such a chill, such a chill. You can laugh a spineless laugh, we hope your rules and wisdom choke you. Now we are one in everlasting peace. We hope that you choke. that you choke. Not much new. I thought I would be home alone (apartment alone?) on Thanksgiving, but alas, mom saves the day. She is going to come down and spend the night and we are going to brave the crowds on the day after Thanksgiving to go shopping. Fun, no? Liz started her job friday. She is babysitting for one of my csm's. She works from 9:30 pm to 7:30am. So that means I am in our haunted apartment alone...talk about scary....I think I will eventually overcome though. Or something. Radiohead makes me dumb. If you ask me and ask him, I know how to make things better. How to make everything come up rainbows again. Just be loud. Tomorrow is offday. Yay. Wednesday Blue October is doing this acoustic thing, and I would really like to check it out...yes. Nov 15 is the American Tragedy, and Nov 18 is Badly Drawn Boy. I love this, with an ache in my heart. Maybe I'll have a Daniel day soon. Or a John day. Or a Russell day. Or an Eric day. Or just an ADHDme day... I miss MiMi...does she want to have a Manda Day? hardcore.amanda.//.do.you.know.where.you.are?.

(Love me??) We only meet when it is raining -or- Fridays equal great parking spots. [07 Nov 2003|01:00pm] [ mood | happy ] "The latest is that little animals never before seen are swimming about in a glass of water; they say syphillis is a completely normal disease and no longer the punishment of God. God didn't make the world in seven days, it's said, but over millions of years, if it was He at all. Savages are human beings like us; we raise our children wrong; and the earth is no longer round like it was, but flat on the top and bottom like a melon--as if that made a damn bit of difference!" ~ from "Perfume--the story of a murder" Johnny Depp recommended that book. And so did Elizabeth, so I am reading it. I was in Marshall Wednesday. Things didn't quite go as planned, but they happened like they were supposed to. I say that because I got to spend some precious time with Jon-Eric's parents. The more and more I think about it (Read: the more and more I run this over and over in my head without stopping) I really do love Jon-Eric. Sometimes I just expect things to go wrong for me...and I dont want Jon-Eric to be the one to do the wrongs...so I inflict it upon myself. Which is not cool. As Daniel would say, No Dice. On the way to Marshall (actually in the enviromental building) I met John. Since it was raining, I called Daniel to see if he would come and pick me up (which he did....he is seriously the most dependable person I know). In small talking, I picked up on the fact that John was going to wait around untill about 9 that night for his roommate, and I offered to take him home. Which was Lewisville...right on my way to Marshall. Usually it is a 15 minute drive, but because of HORRIBLE traffic...it turned into an hourish drive. We talked easy, and he had to pee so we stopped and he bought me a coke. Nice guy. We exchanged numbers and we are going to get together tuesday or so to hang out again. Tomorrow Liz and I are going to Fort Worth to go to the zoo. Then we are going shopping. Then I am making enchaladas (if they are as good/better than Jon-Eric's mom's, he said he'd marry me....she gave me her recipe). Then I go to work. Gag. Liz starts her job tonight. She's babysitting for one of my CSM's. I dont have much more to say... hardcore.amanda.//.november.rain.

(2 ♥s | Love me??) [05 Nov 2003|03:20am] I don't want to be hostile. I don't want to be dismal. But I don't want to rot in an apathetic existance either. See I want to believe you, and I want to trust and I want to have faith to put away the dagger. But you lie, cheat, and steal. And yet I tolerate you. Veil of virtue hung to hide your method while I smile and laugh and dance and sing your praise and glory. Shroud of virtue hung to mask your stigma as I smile and laugh and dance and sing your glory while you lie, cheat, and steal. How can I tolerate you. Our guilt,our blame , I've been far too sympathetic. Our blood, our fault. I've been far too sympathetic. I am not innocent. You are not innocent. Noone is innocent. I will no longer tolerate you Even if I must go down beside you. Because, Noone is innocent.

(2 ♥s | Love me??) gotta promise not to stop when I say when [04 Nov 2003|12:52am] [ mood | blank ] Wow...Lot has happened. As far back as I can remember: Nick and James came over and we donated our Bubu Lubu to James. Jon-Eric broke up with me. I didn't hesitate one second (well,maybe a few seconds, only to brush my teeth and put on clothes that were probably dirty) to go see him. I got there in under 2 hours (it usually takes me about 3). He was mad, I held him. He cried, I held him. I couldn't say anything....everythingg I planned to say evaporated. Somehow, things worked out. With conditions. I can't drink anymore, which is good. We are together, which is great. I have to build his trust back up for me...but...I have always told him I would do anything for him, and I will always mean that. Then I called Adam and we talked which was good. Because I miss him. Tomorrow he is coming to Marshall to see The Matrix with me and JE and some others, including Mallory, which I am going to be nice to. Things are going to work out...I just know it...they have to. I'm off today and Liz and I are going to Best Buy and Barnes and Noble and just going to hang out. I'm too ADHD to sit still on my day off. I told Daniel he could call if he wanted to hang out, but I don't think he likes me anymore. I havent really seen much of him in the past two weeks. MiMi has though. hardcore.amanda.//.wet.nails.

(1 ♥s | Love me??) in a borrowed bedroom virginal and spare [27 Oct 2003|01:14pm] [ mood | sore ] The wheels on the bus don't go round and round...they go at an angular speed of 2000pi radians per minute and at a zero velocity. I fucking hate math. I spent this magical weekend at Jon-Eric's. Friday we hung out and went to see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. That was actually the first time we've ever been to the movies by ourselves. It was kind of nice. And really scary. (the movie, not being alone). I bought him pink chucks and he sported them accordingly. Then his brother and his fiance came down. Then Jon-Eric's band (or a few members anyways) came down and they practiced. Umm. Other stuff. Blah Blah. Oh, then Audrey and Adam came over and Jon-Eric and Adam made out for a pic. Not to bad...actually. Boy, Jon-Eric is hott. Saturday we slept and hung out and went to Longview with his family. Then we went with Audrey and Adam and Liz and Robyn to see Scary Movie 3. Then...we played on a playground in the wetness. I fell, killed myself. Jon-Eric lost his wallet. We ran out of gas. Just a general good time, I would say. And besides, it isnt everyday you get to kiss a kangaroo on the mouth. Sunday morning I went to Mass with Jon-Eric and his mom. That was really nice. I love his mom so much. Then we took a nap. Then I went with Jon-Eric to some stupid church to do the radio feed. Then we took another wonderful nap. Then I left, and now I miss him. I got the recipe for some killer enchaladas...mmm. I also got a bladder infection. Wednesday I was supposed to take Nick to CCCC. But, I may have to tell him that I cant...and I feel kind of bad. See, first of all, I have to donate plasma. Then I have to go to the doctor because of my hyperactive ADHD bladder. Then I have to do laundry (i have NO clean clothes left) and on top of all that, I have a precal test to study for...that if I dont pass it...i prolly wont pass the class. So. Stress sets in. This knot in my back grows. So many times this weekend I wanted to call Adam. It's hard being an hour away from someone like him and not seeing him. He wont ever return my calls...i think he hates me.... Whoa. I just realized something. Jon-Eric said if I called and invited Adam to the movies he was going to call and invite Mallory, and that's why I didnt. BUT...didn't Jon-Eric say that Mallory was in New Orleans? ... hardcore.amanda.//.matrix.has.me.

(1 ♥s | Love me??) Tangent to my heart [20 Oct 2003|01:14pm] [ mood | indescribable ] I haven't updated lately, I don't think. The guy that sits in front of me in PreCal (Yes, Audrey, the Conor Oberst guy)...his hair reminds me of a sno cone...and it really makes me want a snow cone. So I think I may tell him that. I think he's gay. Just really feminine maybe. Worse than Jon-Eric. I get to see Jon-Eric in a few days. I'm really excited. We are going to do many things...including: Looking pretty, being lazy, going to the movies, sleeping, messin around lots. And that's about it. I am just happy that I will be around him for several days. :::big deep happy sigh::: And, I am going to listen to the Beatles on the way down there. What wonderful driving music. Speaking of driving...I had to have a new fuel pump put on my car. Weird, huh? Yeah, I thought so too. I miss Daniel. And Wednesday is our Tromeo and Juliet day. We've been pretty much managing one Troma movie a week or so. Good. Wednesday is also donate plasma day. and Chris is working at Best Buy and he said I could come in Wednesday for a sneak preview, even though they don't open untill wednesday. I have my connections, yes. And, I need to go buy Jon-Eric's purple cons soon. I would also like to go eat Chinese food. REally bad, actually...I"m craving it. The hoods a rat and I'm fucking glad. (pavement, wtf) I wonder what Adam is up to. Maybe he'll come see me this weekend. I'd like to see him. Who knows. Oh well, thats all I have to say. Yes. Everybody needs some random proof. hardcore.amanda.//.time.to.jet.baby. p.s. He's said he's IN LOVE with me. Big difference=eye opener

(1 ♥s | Love me??) Traveling Pi [17 Oct 2003|01:00pm] [ mood | peaceful ] Today in PreCal while discussing trig or something mathematical: Student: What do we use this for? Teacher: I don't know. Encouraging, huh? Blarg. I think everyone should have a Belle and Sebastian day. "I wish that you were here with me to pass the dull weekend." I love Jon-Eric. I can't stop running the details of Tuesday over and over and over again. Unbelievable. And...to all that matter, I will be in Atlanta on the 24th, a week from today. I am going to the ATL v. PG game (in PG)...so you should come and support your good ole' atlanta rabbits. And maybe we can start up the whole "Amanda..clap clap..Jackson..clapclapclap" cheer again. Oh ...fun times! And Jon-Eric will be there with me, looking cute. cute. cute. HOTT. What happened to Brett? He won't answer my emails. I hope he isnt dead. That would not be cool at all. Tomorrow is thrift store shopping with MiMi. Oh what fun!! I need to find out where some are. I'll call Daniel. He deserves to hear from me anyways. "Hey Jon-Eric, I'm calling from your girlfriend's crotch." That's all I can say without saying too much, really. hardcore.amanda.//.devil.in.a.black.hoodie.

(2 ♥s | Love me??) The return of the happiness dwarf [15 Oct 2003|12:22am] [ mood | accomplished ] Just got in from Jon-Eric's...had an amazing impromtu time. It was so weird though, because...he has changed. Somewhere in this last month he picked up on something. He was sensitive, sensual...I don't get it...it's like he aged 5 years in under a month. I'm still in awe of him...I love him so much...I can't even begin to describe how I feel for him. When he was holding me...kissing me on my temple...it's like...oh fuck,it was the return of the bubble blowing happiness dwarf. I like where things are going... I was behind a "HAZARD CHEMICAL" truck...and it was leaking shit. That scared me. I held my breath and passed it...going 92. Never split a pole. Wakefield took me out to eat. It was so nice to see her. I really think she is a great person and I'm happy that she is happy with Hawk. I got to meet David's girlfriend,and I really like her. 9 days untill I see JE again. I need a nap. and food. and bye. hardcore.amanda.//.off.tonight. I love Joneric....

(3 ♥s | Love me??) time to make this house a home [10 Oct 2003|01:00pm] [ mood | sleepy ] Some random animal pooped on our cute little striped door mat. It's really sick. I think we are going to wait untill it dries and then scrape it off over the balcony. Maybe we'll let it land on the little red Mazda Miata. Mistakes dont mean anything if you don't regret them. Aud--I wish you were here now, Sicksick Records is having their "Grand Opening" and they are giving tons of stuff away. Tom is going to hang out with "these Latino triplets" tonight. Nice. Way to go Tom. Heh I knew he had it in him...heh Jon-Eric has to work tonight, but that's okay, because so do I. I can't wait until the 24th...it is going to be grand. Why am I so bored? Why do I even have TIME to be bored? I had three tests yesterday and two today and I am boycotting school, I think. I love MiMi, by the way. Yes. hardcore.amanda.//.MeMe.

(2 ♥s | Love me??) You are the ocean... [08 Oct 2003|10:03am] [ mood | exanimate ] I have three tests tomorrow and two on friday. Daniel is coming over to watch Killer Condom with me. I think I am in denial. I should really be studying. Last night Daniel and Liz and I watched Bend it like Beckham. Then Liz and I watched Down With Love. I haven't heard from Brett in a long time. I hope he is okay. I met the cutest girl today. Elizabeth. Her and Moser call me AJ and I like that. I wish more people called me AJ. I feel more like an AJ than an Amanda. I miss Jon-Eric and my nose is running. I need to go to a good show. I need to pay my cell phone bill. I need to buy yarn and knit me a scarf with cute little pockets at the end to put my hands in. MiMi and her Russian bombshell friend came over yesterday. MiMi is just so cute. I wish I were her Asian twin sister...I want to be her friend and parade her around and make people go, wow, that must be one cool white girl to hang out with such a hot Asian. Question of the day: What am I making for dinner? hardcore.amanda.//.call.me.chef.mander

(6 ♥s | Love me??) We're going down the road towards tiny cities made of ashes [06 Oct 2003|01:03pm] [ mood | bored ] This weekend I lost faith in one person and regained faith in another. So, I guess it was a fair trade, yes. I'm going to punch you in your glasses. I just got a letter in the mail from Jon-Eric...which means I lost the bet...which means...yeah. I'm glad I lost. If I would have won...I wouldn't have gotten a letter AND I wouldn't have gotten...yeah...I'm in a win-win situation. Such is my life. Tomorrow I am schedualed to NOT work. And I am supposed to go and help Micah pick out some clothes for his blind date (Yay for Micah pimping...). Then me and Moser and Michah and Liz are going to go see Interpol and Local H. Does anyone (besides Rickey Lummus) remember who Local H is? I do. That song, "Bound for the Floor" was one of my favorite of all times... Anyways. yaddayaddaDIGRESS...Wednesday I was supposed to go see a free screening of Texas Chainsaw Massacre with Eric from work. But I REALLY don't feel like it. I have two tests Thursday that I should study for...and on top of that, Daniel wants to watch Killer Condom and eat pizza. I would rather go the daniel route, then study. I am wearing my Valentine socks in October. So knives out. I REALLY need to do laundry...but that starts on Thursday-ish. I might just wait untill this weekend. Speaking of which, Adam is supposed to come up and we are going to a gay club...or to a dance club...or to a club where gay people dance. I don't care which, I"m just excited and ready to make a fool of myself. JoAnna said she was coming back to Denton. Which really means she is coming back to see Lars. No, JoAnna, you can't have any more of my condoms. Sorry. Two's enough. Yes. I went to Daniel's before work yesterday. We listened to fun music and then watched most of Fist of Legend. I was suprisingly impressed. If you can hear a piano fall you can hear me coming down the hall. hardcore.amanda.//.D.E.V.O.

(Love me??) ....as a baked potato [04 Oct 2003|08:14pm] [ mood | whatever ] Liz is gone for the weekend. Today Daniel came over and we watched "Cannibal the Musical" and it was great. I cooked for him. Then I went to work. I was going to come straight home, but I saw Micah in WalMart so I hung out with him. We went back to his apartment and watched the rest of Saturday Night Live...then we played old school Nintendo (Dr. Mario) untill I got tired of losing and I went home. I waited up awhile for JoAnna...but she is with Lars and I assume that she is going to stay there. So. I'm off to bed...if she calls, she calls. hardcore.amanda.//.one.sleepy.face.

(3 ♥s | Love me??) [03 Oct 2003|06:09pm] [ mood | indescribable ] Whatever happened to all that Baylor controversy? It was entertaining, and now it is all gone. My rat is asleep. Maybe I should pet him now before he wakes up and bites me again. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday as I am going down the GAB stairs, I see a Less is More sticker on the wall. Weird huh? (Maybe only to me) Relizations made today: Not ALL Asians have ugly toes. The guy who sits next to me is only quiet because he doesn't want anyone to know he has braces. I like lesbian porn the best. Daniel isn't ALWAYS an asshole (i was right). This week went by fast. Friday is such a bully. Pushing those other days out of the way and all. Things I am looking forward to: (in no particular order) Saturday with Mosley and music. Tuesday with Mosley and Interpol. The whole weekend of the 24th to be with Jon-Eric and his family. Stealing lab animals from Bio Lab with MiMi. School holidays. Jean days at work. Seeing Big Gay Adam again. Clubbing with foresaid Adam. Creed army? What the hell. hardcore.amanda.//.work's.a.jerk.

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